"To live a life larger than my own. That is, to do more than satisfy my own needs & desires; to do more than fulfill my desire & obligation to satisfy the needs and desires of my family; but to go beyond & live a life in service to a purpose of serving the world."

I think I think more like a wiki than a blog.

But what's a blog, and what is it for? Yeah, anything you want. Not helpful. Blah, blah, blah. It seems so many people are using a personal blog as a sort of self-publishing forum - to take all their great thoughts and get them out into the world for any and all to see if they happen to stumble upon that blahg. They are largely set up as a public journal of false humility of "My humble view from my little corner of the world." From which it seems many try to walk the thin line of speaking what they believe, trying to be as wise as Deepak Chopra, or someone, but not having what it takes to be Deepak! Then they invite their friends in for a look.

So, 1) there's the "finished work of blog" blog that is my best foot-forward views on the world; 2) there's the "self-marketing blog" talking up profession, career, interests, passions, hobbies, music, and friends&family; 3) there's the "political blog" blog that occurs mostly to me as a bunch of individual pulpits ranting: see-this-candidate/movie/company/country-boycott-that-candidate/movie/company/country-I-am-right-everyone-else-is-crazy-if-they-don't-agree-with-me blahg.

The blogs seem to be a, "hey, look at me" invitation. And it's all great! We have a wonderful ability to share who we are with each other in a way that is honest, revealing, often intelligent, articulate, moving and wonderful. The crap is out there, too. But so what? We have access to some amazingly beautiful human beings, their thoughts and musings, their creations and writings, their impressions, and comments. I guess it's really good.

And, yes, Deepak has a blog. It's beautiful, advancing his work as a great healer. He writes to each of us, his dear friends. But I'm not Deepak. Not yet, anyway. I don't just want to re-write what I have learned from Deepak, Neale, Justin, David, Harv, Carolyn, Paolo, Pema, etc., etc., that life is all one.

So I fear blahging. Mine won't be deep and profound. Not that I am not deep and profound. I am. I don't have any humble opinions. I believe in my opinions and will argue for them forcefully without cloaking them in any humility (or much gentleness, it appears, either). But the person I argue with most forcefully is myself. And it gets ugly. And it rambles and takes too many turns to be in a blog. This will not be a flattering picture of myself. I fear that those netizins I want/need to impress or maintain an image with will intersect with these writings where I am safe to get ugly.

Also, a chronological list of my musings is dumb. I'm going to have to link pages in the 'journal' of my thinking like mad. Shit, look at this page. It's all over. 

So here we are at Gaia/Zaadz building this virtual community of people who care about the world and seek some form of 'enlightenment' or 'connection' or something. And we write in our blahgs trying to be wise and hopeful and well put together. But I am not well put together. All I have is questions. The more I know the more I know I know so very little. I have very few opinions and judgments anymore. I have run out of things to convince others what to believe. I just don't know anymore. So writing in a blog seems to be blah blah blahging to me. I want to think and develop ideas. But just journaling chronologically seems too limiting. I want to develop ideas, to have space for others to teach me the great philosophies of the world.

I was recently reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The translator spent a fair amount of energy in summarizing Stoicism. Very cool. It turns out the Greeks conceived a couple thousand years ago that there is nothing God is not, and that 'materialism' was just one of the three prongs of the Stoic system. Very, very cool. 

So I feel even more ... uhhhh ... inadequate(?) as a thinker/philosopher/teacher. I don't know any of this. It feels brazen of me to tell others that God is everything, when that notion is really just dancing on the graves of truly great thinkers whose shoulders I could be standing on if I knew something.      

I have started a couple wikis that essentially overlap each other. I am trying to figure out which is friendlier to use and takes less of my energy to make it look appealing and structure pages in a rational manner. So far Peanut Butter seems easier: http://paradoxcenters.pbwiki.com/  Wik.is has a very little more stuff done. http://paradoxcenter.wik.is 

Please come join me. Create some new pages. Teach me the great teachings of the Stoics; the Jews and their ecstatic branch, the Christians; the humanists and existentialists and atheists. If I am right and anything Neale D. Walsh has to say comes from the Stoics and Buddhists and others, let's find out where it really all comes from and what there really is to believe in. 

Because I just don't believe anything right now. I am not convinced. My passion is to find a passion in faith. I want to believe in GOD, but I can't figure out how. 

OK, so I've decided to use this blog as my personal journal. And isn't it delicious?

I have a contract job offer on my desk, and I need to make a decision without all the information I really need to make it. I don't really know the tax implications, I don't really know if the assignment will really suit me, if I can be successful, or if it is a move that will even be more useful than what I am doing? But I need to make a decision - the company is anxious to get moving on the project. Isn't it delicious that I am standing on a cliff, with no idea whether I am 2 feet up or 100 feet? I have no idea whether I have wings and will fly, or simply hit the dirt, no matter how deep the hole I am thinking about jumping into. I just don't have enough information. This is where I am every time: pressured to make a decision without having nearly enough information. Pressured by my own circumstances as much as by the prospect's urgency and need.

I am pressured by my own urge to jump blindly, no matter how much time I give myself to get and understand all the information necessary. Part of me doesn't really want to know - I just want to jump and hope for this to be the lucky jump. Truthfully, that's how I have always done this. And the family court really encourages this behavior - they don't care what I am doing as long as I am working for someone and there is a paycheck to garnish for child support. Not working is what is unacceptable. Searching for a good job that actually fits me and supports the family fully is not supportable because that means I wouldn't be working and making a paycheck. [Enough complaining about the probate court....]

So, this is it. Here I am. Back where I have been so many times. Yearning to jump off of where I am because where I am is so bloody uncomfortable, unsustainable, un-anything-able. Which is more dangerous, jumping or staying? Staying truly is unacceptable. Jumping is equally unacceptable. I have too many bruises, scars and nightmares as proof that jumping is bad news.

This is my paradox. How do I solve the tension of my commitment to supporting my family with all the urgency required by the circumstances while finding that which I can truly succeed at? I will not make the decisions of desperation any more. Or I will. It seems that deciding to jump or to stay are both decisions of desperation. Either poses such a huge personal risk.

My sensation of doom either way is sort of grounding and terrifying. Grounding it that I think I am reaching a point of freedom: it doesn't matter what I do, this is all I have. Terrifying that I could still go to jail, despite my best effort to do what is right.

Isn't it delicious that the terror, pain, and heartache (or is that heartburn?) I feel is exactly what I seek to preach is the stuff of life: that this is how I know I am alive? That I hate this fear and pain so much all I want to do is run and bury my head in the sand for the rest of my life?

So here I sit at my keyboard trying to write about my journey in life. Trying to find meaning. I get torn just trying to come up with ideas. I am torn between the voice of the yoga teacher in my head wanting to publish all my great wisdom about life, and the critic in my head telling me I can't even make a living -all that wisdom is worthless. If I can't make a living I have no business trying to educate others in doing so!  Hell, I'm not even a yoga teacher. I just have my voice in my head that is a yoga teacher wannabe.

All I have anymore are questions. Why am I on the planet? Why is anyone? Does god exist? Does yoga matter? What am I here to do or give? Do I have a gift to give?

http://www.43things.com/ sends me a reminder every day from my past self referring to my future self:

Joeyoga - 43 Things (http://by125w.bay125.mail.live.com/mail/ApplicationMain_11.09.0000.0126.aspx?culture=en-US&hash=3580518585#) +Add contact To: jsnowdon@hotmail.com
Subject: be free

Dear future self,  I'm reminding you about your stated goal on 43 things, to "be free".   How's it going? 

Sincerely,
Your past self

In "Fight Club" Tyler implores his loser alter-ego to hit bottom and let go. "STOP! Let go man, just let go!"

Every time I think I have hit bottom I seem to take out another bottom and go crashing down again.

I think it was Mack Davis' words that Janis Joplin sang, "freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose" (but maybe she wrote them, I dunno...).

I don't seem so free. I haven't let it all go. I am still attached to the things I have, which I feel like I have pared down to fit in a 12x17 bedroom in an apartment I share with 3 others. I still have stuff. I have a car payment and insurance and health insurance. I still have a computer. I still have 3 maxed out credit cards. I still have a bank account that is in the red. I still have stuff to lose, I ain't down to nuthin' left.

As Tyler says, "The things we own own us."

And once again I am so close to pulling it off before it all finally crumbles. I will have a job offer; even might be able to pull out some cash to help me ride it out until a paycheck starts coming in.

This is so unsatisfying I could choke. When and why did I decide I actually have to have nuthin' left to lose? Can't I be free anyway? I don't really need to blow up my condo a la Tyler Durdin to be free, but why am I living as tho I do?

So there's the rub - The Paradox. Here I am. I am exactly where I want to celebrate. Here is my vision:

Through celebration, understanding, and community, the Paradox Center transforms the experience of life into a gateway to the divine and a catalyst for peace in the world.

The Paradox Center brings people to a direct, personal, tangible relationship with God. We have a place where we can bring all the experiences in our lives to celebrate, understand & transform them into a deeper relationship with God. In being closer to God we create peace in ourselves, peace at home and peace in the world.

I seek to celebrate that I am very alive right now. I would rather die, or at least take a nap or finish reading the wonderful articles in Time. Or get drunk. Or do asana. Anything but be present here and now. Anything but continue to live this way.

Let me stay present. Let the pain be. Let me not grit my teeth and bear it, but let me stay here and continue to build my legacy anyway. Let me live as tho this circumstance is just a circumstance.

I have prayed for the training to be of a deeper soul. Here is the training.